An alternate way in which I measure the age of my children: the length of regrowth from the hair I’ve lost since their birth.
These days it feels like I have very little control of the things moving and spinning and stalled in our life. And as far as our future is concerned, the steps we are taking to move forward to our life in the Netherlands, I have been filled with so much peace. Praise God. There is no clear timeline (yet) or things I can do today to move it any more forward without forcing down doors that aren’t ready yet. And thanks to the power of the Holy Spirit, I’m ok with that.
But my motherhood…that’s a different story.
In the past few weeks I’ve felt my whole body tense, knuckles white, as I grip my motherhood with pride-filled, closed fists. Worry fills in the cracks of my day. Fear. And a constant nagging that things are wrong with the girls (usually bizarre, laughable things). Concern that I’m not teaching them enough. Loving them well enough. Disciplining them correctly. Guilt. Stress.
The weight of it all is consuming.
And yesterday as I looked in the mirror at the tiny hairs taking the place of the post-baby baldness, I realized that as my girls grow and change, there is so much space for me to grow and change too. A timely and needed reminder from the Holy Spirit that motherhood is a transformational process God has me on.
No mother is expected to have it all together, to know how to do all the things. But in time, and in DAILY surrender, God will lead. He will provide. And only His grace and peace can slowly take these cold fists and gently turn them into open hands.
I have come to terms with our future and have joyfully committed myself to the process—to the transformation journey God has us on. And I feel God inviting me to do the same with motherhood.
Again. And again and again.
To turn to Him before Google. To turn to Him when I feel the worry creeping in. To see this lifelong voyage of motherhood as a transformation journey, too– one He is using to make me more like Him. I don’t have to have it all figured out, but I can ask for more of Him and His wisdom and His Spirit to take another step forward.
Whatever is weighing on you today, find a few moments of stillness and sit with your hands open, palms up. It’s time for more surrender and more Jesus.