A few weeks ago I snapped at our kids only minutes after waking up, and my wise husband encouraged me to leave. He felt it coming to a boiling point, and as he watched my emotions and exhaustion begin to spill over onto our kids, he simply said “You know what you need to do. Now go!”
So I over-stuffed a bag with books, notebooks and snacks, and settled in to one of our prayer rooms at church.
Much had been unfolding in our life– lots of good things, but more change than I was prepared for. And while I pride myself as one who thrives in change, it was all unraveling even too quickly for me. I’m not the best at (read: I’m REALLY BAD AT) prioritizing self-care, and had continued to stuff all the emotions away until I felt overcome.
The first half hour of my day (that I have lovely referred to as “the day of peace”) ticked by almost painfully slow, but then something broke free, and I’m unsure of where the rest of the day went. It was a blur of praise and worship, napping, reading, writing and bathroom breaks.
After a few hours in, this … thing spilled out of me. Call it a psalm or a poem or a song, I’m not sure, but it was from somewhere deep I hadn’t been able to tap into in a while—a long, long while. After I penned the last line, I knew it wasn’t only for me. So whatever season of life you are in: fear, waiting, hopelessness, uncertainty, exhaustion or weariness, I hope this can be of some encouragement to you and usher in Christ’s perfect peace:
Oh God, lover of my soul,
Creator of all of me,
Come close.
Invade my darkest places.
Place your healing hands on my brokenness.
Calm me.
Slow me.
Give me your deep, even breath.
As my chest rises and falls,
Fill me, oh God, with your peace—
Your unshakable peace.
Your overcoming peace.
Your peace that stills me,
And rests my weary soul.
Oh God, I am so weary.
I am tired of gripping, grasping at control.
I long for surrender,
But the fear creeps in.
Control is safe, but surrender is risk.
Do I trust you, oh God?
If I release control, will you provide?
Will I be secure in you?
What awaits me, oh God?
Will you lead me into your goodness?
Your provision?
Your wholeness?
Your shalom?
Your Kingdom?
Yes, oh God, THAT is what I long for.
That is what my heart beats wildly for.
For your Kingdom to come.
To come through me, oh God!
Fill me with your strength.
Fill me with your joy.
Fill me with your presence.
Fill me with your power,
As I surrender.
I will, God.
I do.
In this very moment, I surrender it all.
All of the control.
All of the fear of the unknown.
All of the idols keeping me,
Trapping me,
Hindering me,
From stepping fully into your loving arms.
Oh God, be my strength as I destroy each distraction,
Each idol I have put before you.
One by one they fall.
Your perfection overcomes them.
They are powerless in your shadow.
You show me they are but imitators.
The enemy has used them to trick me,
But in your light, now I see clearly.
I see the truth.
I see them for what they are.
Oh God, forgive me.
Forgive me for bowing to mere dust.
For you, oh God, are worthy.
The only one before me.
You are my source, THE source.
Steady me.
Still me.
Love me.
Search me.
Know me.
Oh God, there in only good in you.
Fill me with your goodness and hope.
Sustain me.
Steady me.
This place with you is intoxicating.
Your presence breathtaking.
I feel wrapped in your love now.
In your peace my weary soul has found perfect rest.
Can I savor this space forever?
Bring me back to this place, oh God,
When the fear returns,
When I’m reaching for control,
When the unknown consumes me,
When the chaos confuses me.
Be near to me always.
Be my source when the idols tempt.
Be my refuge when the enemy knocks.
Be my hope when the darkness stings.
Be my truth when the lies taunt.
Be near, oh God, lover of my soul,
Creator of all of me.
